Peter Van Loan Undergoes Emergency Colonic Irrigation Procedure

Rumours have surfaced that House Leader Peter Van Loan was rushed to a local Ottawa hospital to undergo an emergency colonic irrigation procedure to alleviate the heavy accumulation of fecal matter in his intestinal tract. The details surrounding his medical mess is still murky and the situation is still fluid.

Peter Van Loan blaming the
Liberals for cold winters.

However, I should stress that this is just hearsay and the facts haven't fully been released yet.

Also, it might be important to point out that I'm the sole source of this rumour...

While you may think that disparaging a politician with gossip is reprehensible, Peter Van Loan would advocate for the principle in which I can just make stories up about him without any shred of evidence.

He supported his own party when it disseminated unsubstantiated rumours in order to gain a political advantage. Such was the case earlier this week when they made a number of phone calls to Liberal MP Irwin Cotler’s Montreal-riding over the past couple of weeks in which constituents allegedly were told of Cotler’s resignation and a pending byelection.

Van Loan defended this practice saying that rumours about Cotler have been circulating for a long time and therefore, it's fair game to suggest to his constituents that not even a year after his election, Irwin Cotler has no intention of serving out his mandate and would quit shortly. This is made all the more easier since these rumours were first started by the Conservatives.

"To say that one cannot speculate on his future," Van Loan said, "that that form of freedom of speech should forever be suppressed, is to me an overreach that is far too great."

Yes! You should always be allowed to start rumours about your competitors, pay people to spread them around so that it negatively impacts their careers. It's just freedom of speech, people. The Conservatives "get it".

Therefore, I don't see a problem with gossiping about the poor functioning of Peter Van Loan's bowels. Sure, this headline is literally deceitful but it is figuratively true. How so, you ask?

It could be said that with statements like that, Peter Van Loan's taint of politics is so repugnant that the verbal diarrhea that comes pouring out of his mouth is but a symptom of the foulness that is all too common among Conservative politicians these days.

So while I don't know if he underwent an enema or not, I do know he's full of shit; and that's a fact.