Federal Government Cuts: Julian Fantino Replaced By Tape Recorder

Fantino had to relinquish his Canadian pin and gave it to the tape recorder

A cassette tape recorder - technology 30 years old - has made Conservative MP Julian Fantino's job redundant.

"There's just no point in having him around when we have a tape recorder available. The Canadian taxpayer saves over $157,000 per year and the Conservative Party of Canada renews its commitment to remaining on message," Treasury Board President Tony Clement told reporters as the first wave of government cuts were made. The announcement was met with grim acceptance by his Conservative colleagues who all saw the move coming.

"It's a disappointment to see a fellow Conservative replaced by a tape recorder but we just needed its consistency and reliability and Julian Fantino just wasn't able to provide this for his constituents," said Minister of Human Resources and Skills Development Diane Finley.

Julian Fantino's short but memorable stint in federal politics was marked by erratic and puzzling behaviour that  doomed his political career early on. Despite his failure to show up to election debates within his own riding, he was narrowly elected in a by-election in 2010.

It isn't without irony that Julian Fantino's federal politics career will best remembered for the following words:

I think they [the Liberals] intended to hurt my campaign. The things they said ... a lot of them were absolute lies. They keep repeating [them]. I call it the Hitler Theory. You tell a lie often enough you hope that some people will believe it.

Of course, repetition of dubious facts was exactly what he was called on to do. He's repeated variations of this sentence 8 times since December 13th, 2011.

Canada's participation in the development of the F-35, along with our closest allies, ensures that the Canadian Forces will have the best equipment to achieve mission success.

It seemed that his ability to take his cues from talking points was, in his own words, "on track" to make him a star in the Conservative Party. But the pressure of reading the same thing day after day proved too much for the MP for Vaughan who ended up calling the purchase of the F-35 jets boondoggle a "holy and decent" effort from the government. Calling the purchase "holy" was the clear sign of his breakdown.

The duty to record the talking points and play them during Question Period in Parliament will fall on Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay who was rumoured to be against the move towards the switch to the tape recorder.

"It's true that I privately lobbied for some time with the Prime Minister for a parrot instead of a tape recorder. I thought that while it would be a larger initial investment over a tape recorder, it would serve a dual purpose as a pet. Also, I had concerns about the tape recorder malfunctioning in Question Period. This could result in a Fantino-sized disaster," said Peter MacKay.

It has been suggested that Prime Minister Stephen Harper chose the tape recorder over the parrot due to concerns that Justin Trudeau would go full-pirate in the House of Commons and get the parrot to divulge information outside of the traditional talking points. This was too big of a risk for the Prime Minister.

While some may feel sorry for Julian Fantino, rest assured that his public pension of over $118,000 per year will cushion the blow.

When reached for comment regarding his dismissal, Fantino was still in shock at the news and simply said "The F-35 is a plane for now and for decades to come. Our plan is on track and we will continue to work with our allies on this plan."